by Jack Lee
Let’s face it, funerals are expensive and so is cemetary space, which is not always available. Cremation was thought to address costs and space, but even cremation has it’s down side. Studies have shown cremation releases micro pollutants into the air as well as consuming a lot of BTU’s. Surely there must be another way, a better way, right?
Yes, finally there is another way – cremation is out and compaction is in. That’s right, compaction folks. You wonder why somebody hasn’t thought of this before. It’s enviromentally safe and compaction uses only a fraction of the energy in a typical cremation, plus its far cheaper than the traditional casket burial. But, why bury em when you can keep your loved ones close and even useful. Yes…I said, useful! You must read on:
(A modern CFC-16 certified funeral compactor is shown at left) Here’s how it works and this is according to the latest issue of Science Today magazine: Consider that the average human is made up of about 65% water and under high pressure compaction in conjuntion with a simple dehydration process. What remains is a perfectly dry, odorless square about 12 inches across and it weighs only about 7 pounds give or take, depending on their original size. But, the best is yet to come.
The remaining solid material and this would be the “useful” part, could be taken “as is” or for a small additional charge it can be shaped into a number of tasteful artistic designs or even made into helpful household items. Don’t put Uncle Fred into an urn, make him into the urn! Did I mention that the remains can be painted in any color or plated in either gold, silver or chrome? For those who still want a coffin you can still do it and for pennies on the dollar thanks to compaction. You can purchase a scaled down coffin (suitable for burial) for the recently compacted. Small coffins can be offered for as low as $29.95! I know what you are thinking, this is too good to be true!
Mortuary Services across the nation will soon be offering compaction right along with standard services, but for about one third the cost of a traditional funeral or even less.
According to Science Today magazine the practical uses for compacted remains are only limited by your imagination. And with a special mixture of resins and hardeners the remains will last darn near forever. One lady from Detroit said she made her husband a bowling ball, rather make that, made “him” into a bowling ball. Why not? He always loved bowling and now he’ll be knocking down the 10 pins years after his passing. Just think of it, your compacted loved ones are 100% guaranteed against chipping or peeling.
What could be better? It’s safe, inexpensive and guaranteed for a lifetime.
Now what would you like to be after your gone – perhaps a custom made planter box or what about being a stepping stone in the back yard? Whatever your wish you’ll know that your friends and family will enjoy you long after you are technically gone.
For more details on funeral compaction please contact CSNA the Compaction Society of North America at 1-800-aprilfools.