Today’s Funnies

Posted on Monday, January 6, 2014 by Post Scripts

Posted by Jack

When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.”

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Today’s Funnies

  1. Peggy says:
    Monday, January 6, 2014 at 4:00 pm

    Another funny, I think. Just heard this on Bret Baer’s show.

    Man Asks for Jail to Escape a Nagging Wife but Haven’t We Heard This Before?:

    “A man prefers prison over his wife. Reportedly, Walid Chaabani, who lives in Italy, was under house arrest where he was serving time for drug-related charges, but his homelife with his wife became so “difficult and unbearable” that he went to police and asked to spend the rest of his sentence in prison. Apparently Bubba in cell block 10 was preferable to “continuously fighting with his wife.” Sound kind of incredible? Or familiar? Or both? Well, maybe that’s because it is.

    Apparently, there is a rash of men preferring prison over time at home with their wives. In 2009, a man in Sicily, serving house arrest for dumping hazardous waste, reportedly begged police to put him in jail instead of listening to his wife harague him about not paying for the upkeep of his two children.

    In 2005, another man in Italy (hmmm) who was serving a “curfew” for immigration-related offenses, begged the cops to jail him so he could get away from his wife’s “nagging.”

    http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_news/166325/man_asks_for_jail_to

  4. Tina says:
    Monday, January 6, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    Peggy the prisons in Italy are crowded but also apparently quite entertaining:

    The inmates are part of an extraordinary reservoir of acting talent in Italian prisons — 110 theater groups have sprung up behind bars — which has overshadowed the country’s professional thespians even as prison conditions plummet amid overcrowding and underfunding.

    “Italy leads Europe in prison theater, and without it the situation in jails here would be much worse,” said Carmelo Cantone, the head of prisons in the Italian region of Tuscany.

    Film director Matteo Garrone used real-life Naples gangsters in his acclaimed 2008 mafia drama, “Gomorrah.” Then he went further, casting Aniello Arena, a former Naples hit man doing life in a Tuscan prison, in his film “Reality,” a lead role that won rave reviews at Cannes last year.

    At Rebibbia, theater director Fabio Cavalli has pulled in 30,000 spectators since 2006 to watch plays staged by three theater groups he runs.

    “That makes the prison one of Rome’s top 10 theaters,” said the former actor, who was first asked to direct inmates in plays a decade ago.

    Can you believe it?

    Loved the judge, by the way, She does have a way with words.

  5. Tina says:
    Monday, January 6, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Bob my favorite is number ten, which gives us a window into Al Gore’s incredible sense of self importance:

    “We ought to approach this challenge [of global warming] with a sense of profound joy and gratitude: that we are the generation about which, a thousand years from now, philharmonic orchestras and poets and singers will celebrate by saying, they were the ones that found it within themselves to solve this crisis and lay the basis for a bright and optimistic human future.”

    Yes sir, this thing is so important that Mr. Gore continues his lavish lifestyle instead of living off the land from a hut powered by wind and solar. In fact he’s so certain the seas will rise and wipe out the coastlines that he purchased a houseboat moored in Sausalito…suppose he features himself as a modern day Noah?

  6. Harriet says:
    Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 7:27 am

    This is an article submitted to a Louisville KY Newspaper contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

    As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

    What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at
    Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

    If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself.
    I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

    I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

    Finding what I wanted was difficult.
    ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale.

    To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

    My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa
    Had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she asked.

    My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

    ‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

    I kept my mouth shut.

    ‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued.

    ‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

    But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’ I told him she was Jay’s friend.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then
    She lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

    My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

    Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
    Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of
    Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

    Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

    I can’t wait until next Christmas.

  7. Peggy says:
    Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Oldie but goodie.

    “Left” and “Right”: A little Bible study.

    Remember what Jesus said: ‘Goats on the left, sheep on the right’.

    To Peter, ‘if you want to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat. They did and filled the boat.

    Origin of Left & Right…

    I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “right” and Liberals are called the “left”.

    By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:

    “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.”

    Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

    Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

    Can’t get any simpler than that.

    Spelling Lesson:
    The last four letters in American……….I Can
    The last four letters in Republican……..I Can
    The last four letters in Democrats………Rats

    End of lesson. Test to follow in November 6, 2014

    Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent removal month.

Comments are closed.